Thursday, August 11, 2011

Why Rivs Is Wrong

I know, I'm probably feeding the Troll Mage here. Fact is, I generally like Rivs over at High Latency Life,* and I'm willing to excuse one terribly awful no-good very-bad post. After all, don't random gratuitous pictures of scantily clad women make up for a lack of journalistic research and integrity every time?** 

I swear, some people just love drama.  And oranges.

So this is me, pulling myself up from the bowels of the city, rising to the occasion to defend my honor. 

Honor?  Pssch.  You think Warlocks give a shit about honor?  Nah, this is just going to be plain fun.  And let me tell you something about the bowels.  The Light is well... light.  I like cool shades as much as the next guy, but I burn in the light.  And it's hot outside.  Nice and cool down here in the "bowels."

You say bowels.  I say super-awesome man cave.  We've got leather recliners made with REAL BABY SEAL.  Also, with your well-publicized fondness of skanky women, Rivs, I'm 666% sure you frequent the "bowels" as much as we do.  Who do you think organizes and dresses all those women?  It certainly ain't the Paladins on staff.

But let's get to the meat of the post.  The six points.  (Six because that's all you could grope for.)

6. You're penalizing us because you don't speak demonic?  Live a little.  Strike up a conversation with some of those bowel-women instead of just raining ice on their heads and calling 'em twenties.  Besides, what are you going to do when the Burning Legion shows up again and screws with things?  We'll be the ones out there taunting them appropriately.  IN THEIR OWN LANGUAGE.

5. The party is where we are.  (Did you see the green disco ball?)  Hence, summoning.  You get portals so that everyone can flee from your "awesomeness."  Also, Flasher Phonebooth >> Whatever-the-hell-nickname-ports-have.  Probably something Tyrion has called Cersei Lannister's mommy parts at some point.

4.  I don't know a self-respecting Warlock alive that uses conjured anything.  Heck, we don't use regular food/water.  That's right, we cut ourselves.  And then resupply ourselves from our enemies.  Your tears are our sustenance.  Have fun in your little magical kitchen, Top Chef.  We'll be out baking cookies from SOULS.

3.  I love how you reference Shaman here.  Like they're somehow related to Warlocks.  Then you flaunt Rocky Horror Picture like it gives you some sort of street cred.  Go back to 1973.  Did you know we have our own self-heroism?  It's called Demon Soul.  It doesn't help anyone else, doesn't stack with your shit, and we like it that way.  You can take your Time Warp and shove it.  We'll be just fine.  Not pretending we're in a musical, but killing... slowly.

2.  Did you forget we can still Soulstone?  Sure we could save it to use as a b-rez for others... but why would we?  We can fight 'till the death, die, then pop back up with health to spare.  Run away you little ice-blocking, Rogue-like cowards.  We've conquered Death.  That shit was so vanilla.  Go talk to Xenophilius Lovegood about the Deathly Hallows or something.  Get a glove, get in the game.

1. Wait, what's this?  You couldn't even come up with six?  Well, that's a shame.  Does anyone even use portals anymore?  Between hearthstones, guild shrouds, permanent ports in the main cities, the "leave instance" option in dungeons, and quest chains that take you exactly where you need to go... who ports?  Maybe you're trying to bring back the "glory days" when y'all used to be able to charge everyone because there was no other way to get around.  You opportunistic bastards.  No, we haven't forgiven you for that.

0. Oh, there's more?  You betcha.  I could go all day.  Let's look at pets.  The devs had to give you one just so you could attempt to keep up with us.  While you're over there trying to coax an itty-bitty elemental from the planes next-door like a Shaman (oops, I did it too), we're ripping our minion forcefully from across the felling Nether.  THE TWISTED DAMNED NETHER.  (No association with the blogcast of the same name.) 

-1.  Gettin' deeper into the bowels now.  Let's take a look at famous Mages.  I've done this one before so it's sort of cheating.  Here's a recap:  Enjoy Kel'Thuzad and Jaina Proudmoore.  Stellar cast you've got there.

-2. Pop quiz: Which are better, councils or covens?  If you chose councils, go debate about it for 6 months and get back to me with a debt-reduction plan.

-3. You make cuddly sheep.  We skip the shape-changing sparkly crap and just make mobs too scared to move.  It's so OP that Blizz still makes it pull aggro, just to even things out.

-4.We turn into a frickin' Demon.  You turn into a block of ice.  Handy, if we're all sitting around drinking Coke.

-5. You have normal orange fire.  We have that, plus green fire, plus purple fire that shoots from a demon head of awesome.  (You know, the one you've seen in every guild pic ever with a Warlock.)

-6. To finish with a strike home where we believe your heart may reside: Warlock women will do things that Mage women think are gross.  'Nuff said.

I went to negative six.  Pretty deep in the bowels.  Also, that gives me a grand total of 13... which is a little more than double and a pretty lucky number.

Gnomer, you'd better come back and help out your boy, Rivs.  He needs some sort of 10-step program, I think.


* I do.  Seriously.  You should be reading over there if you're not.  He's a great guy/writer/picture-chooser.

Also, unrelated: Twitterati - Yes, I'm a dude, too.  Though I got some of my writing analyzed over at Gender Genie, and it thought I was a girl too.  Raised by wolves, say I.

**(Like we're all doing responsible journalism here...)


  1. I got your back, Fulg. Locks have 9000x more style than mages.

  2. Word. 'Lock power. *Raises Fist*

  3. *joins in on the lock love*

    Rivs just wishes he rolled a lock first

  4. Hehe, my succy is hot and saucy. Your elemental is just damp and cold.

  5. Oh you mage school drop outs crack me up. LOL!

  6. Yes, we drop out... right down into the bowels is that right? Amazing the sorts of things you can learn down there. :-)