Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I Talk Smack In Raids

Yeah, that's right. I do. Wanna fight about it?  I talk smack to the trash.  I talk smack to the bosses.  And, yes, I talk smack to my fellow raiders sometimes.  Not always is it in vent or chat, sometimes it's just out loud without keying in, but I totally do it.  Tell me you don't do the same.  Honestly?  Liar.

For the record, usually my smack talking is heavily laced with profanity.  Thus, examples will generally be more mild than reality (Ha, me. Mild.  Right).  Actual results may vary.

I wanted to admit to this today because I think there is a general disapproval shown towards talking smack, or e-peening as it's called.  After all, e-peening is childish and bad right?  To a point, I agree, and the majority of what we see is mindless, unhelpful e-peening that crosses that point.  The question I want to ask then is if e-peening can be mindful.  Can talking smack actually help you raid group?  When done correctly, I think so.

I'm going to break my smack talk down into three main types and explain why I believe they can be used constructively in a raid environment.  Now, you have to apply a certain amount of maturity and brain power to the smack talking (But not too much, mind you.  The best smack is generally off-the-cuff).  Also, keep in mind the key is to help the group here, not break it apart.

First, we have the "Screw This Boss" category. 
Let's face it, bosses are meant to be frustrating.  Frustration equals challenge.  Or maybe that's the other way around.  Apply the transitive axiom of equality and you have it.  (Did I just reference an axiom of equality... yes, yes I did.  Wanna fight about it?).  A great way to vent frustration is to talk smack.  Yeah, let it out.  If you wanna call the boss a twatface, do it.  Loudly.  In vent.

The bonus points come here when key that shit in.  Seriously.  Sometimes you're having a wipe-fest and it just needs to be done.  Like on Professor Putrizzle.  I like to yell such inspired shit as "Profess this, fucktard" and "Chuck another green ball at me, I dare you.  I double dare you.  Chuck one more ball motha-shutyomouth".  (If you are hurting for inspiration, find a Sam Jackson soundboard.  Or Full Metal Jacket.  Tweak some of those and you have it.)

Care must be taken here that you don't talk over the raid leader's instructions.  Also, don't over do it.  Sometimes a one-liner is what the doctor ordered to release some tension and let everyone know that, hey, raiding is frustrating, but we're doing some fun shit too.  Also, you may need to censor yourself depending on your guild.  PuGs are probably not the place to do this, at least not right away.  Then again, it may make the night for someone.  You never know unless you try, and bottling it all up just isn't healthy.  Plus, there's nothing like some good smack to help unite you all against the common, shit-spawning foe.

So next time lady D-bag starts on her monologue and you're pulling trash, feel free to tell her to shut the hell up; she'll get hers.  Her and her little adds, too.

Next, the "Just For Me" category.
This post is all about honesty and letting it out.  Look at your man, then back at me. Now look at your man.  He's standing in a fire.  Yes, this happens.  Every. Raid.  Someone will do something completely dumb.  It may be all one person, or it may be spread around.  Everyone preaches: be nice, help them, teach them.

Forget that.  Scream at the top of your lungs.  Wake up your kids.  Call that person every name you can think of that ends in -ucker.  Like Mushroom and Swiss Burgerucker.  Just don't key this smack in.  Trust me, this is the deconstructive smack.  Sometimes, people are playing like idiots, and we should just call a spade a spade... in the privacy of our own home.  This helps if you have one other person you can bitch at.

Letting it out is good.  Holding it in is not.  Once you unleash the beast on the dust mites in your computer lab, then the healing can begin.  As long as you're holding it in, you're going to be nurturing resentment.  Just take care not to let this turn into repetitive talking smack about someone behind their back.  Say it once, then put it in a magical bubble and LET IT GO.  Personally, I'm more likely to ninja-yell at the tool belt that feels the urge to keep track of every mistake you've ever made and relate them at length in your ear than the poor sod who just didn't realize the goddamn red rope leads directly to the person you need to run towards.

Finally, the "Friendly Competition" category.
I'm a competitive guy.  I'm huge into sports.  I've talked about the strange double standard of sports v. raiding on here before.  One is socially acceptable to be obsessed with, the other is not.  They almost seem of two different worlds, but, really, they hold nearly everything in common.  You have fat basement dwelling nerds that play fantasy sports as often as you do playing video games.  Nothing about sports helps your complexion or your lisp.

My point here is that I take the same attitude on the court that I do in a raid.  My goal is always to win.  If we didn't win, I'm not happy.  I hate to lose.  I usually play at least twice a week on a men's league team in various sports (Basketball and softball mostly nowadays, but I've done flag football, disc golf, even ultimate Frisbee.  If there is a city league of it, I'll try it).  I try to raid a couple times a week as well.  I approach both with the same attitude.

In sports, it's not uncommon to talk a little smack.  In fact, that's often part of the game.  Even talking some smack to your teammates.  When Joe Everyman is just not pulling his weight on the basketball floor and I'm making it rain from the three point line, sometimes I just have to talk a little smack about it.  A lot of the times, Joe will step up and start playing harder to rise to the challenge, if only to shut me the hell up.  I'm not nasty about it; I don't question his manhood or anything.  I just simply make sure he's well aware of the quality of the masonry he's putting up.

The same thing can be useful in raiding.  I'm not a big meter spammer, but I will most definitely whisper other DPS that I know and brag a bit.  A lot of times, they'll try to get back at me on the next fight.  This engenders a little friendly competition that makes the night more fun, the raid more challenging, and the team better as a whole since we're putting out bigger numbers.

Like the other categories, you have to take care to not lose sight of the bigger goal.  I make sure when I'm talking smack that I not only talk about raw DPS, but raw DPS while doing my job.  I'm not standing in the fires or letting bone spikes half their way with my buddy's prostate.  I'm topping the chart while getting shit done.  A good way to make sure you do this is to treat it as a full night competition.  Often, different fights require different people to step up.  If there's one that favors your, there's probably one that favors your buddy.  Thus, you gotta make the most of your opportunities. 

To sum it up.
Whether you're Telling the Boss Off, Yelling In Private, or Prodding A Friend, smack talking is not all bad.  It has it's place just like any of the other spells in your spellbook.  Don't be afraid to put /cast Smack Talk on your action bar.  Bind that shit to your push to talk key.  Get it off your chest.  Just don't be an idiot about it.  Or rather, be an idiot, just not the idiot that makes everyone else want to talk smack.  It's a fine line, I know, but I can walk it.  Not my fault if you can't, you Smack Talk Failucker.  (Pronounced Fah-luck-er, wanna fight about it?).


  1. Thanks for brightening my day, Ful! Now well positioned in my WoW cave downstairs, I feel liberated to yell out on vent about my own failures.

    Based on research for my Cataclysm Golbin, all I have to say is "Fong luh".