Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Pardon The Interruption

We interrupt this regular posting schedule to bring you a Fulguralis rant. To set the stage for this rant, you must view the previous post, in which Fuubaar uses a rather odd looking picture that initiated the following musing...

I knew today was Fuu's day to post so I didn't get around to looking at things until the afternoon.  Her and I tend to IM each other a lot via Gmail chat at work, and she asked: "Did you see the picture."

My initial response was: "Yes, but I don't get it."

She followed with: "Did you read the post."

So I went back and re-read the post just in case I'd missed something.  Nope.  "I still don't get it," Say I.

"Didn't you see the part about a bomb shelter and a fireproof door?"

THAT?! That is what you're making.  Honey, no.  That is not what the picture implies.  I mean, it's not awful.  It's actually kind of funny in an "I fail at paint" type of way.  We all love those pictures.  But I have to say, when I looked at it the time, honestly, neither bomb shelter nor fireproof door wafted through my consciousness. 

You see, my wife loves pictures.  She loves to just throw in random pictures for anything and usually just Googles a term to find a picture (in this case, Fire Reisistant Door).  For the most part, I try to support this desire, because the Light knows I could use some more flowery imagery in my life.  I mean, warlocks and cute pictures don't really go together, yet visuals are good to have on a blog.  So it's a balance.

Sometimes, though... I just /facepalm.  There is nothing bomb sheltering, nor fire resisting about this door.  It's the door to someone's porch superimposed over a calm fire that's neatly hemmed in by some sort of magical force field.  It does not scream BOMB and the door doesn't really even look all that sturdy, though I am no door expert.

It's like one of those old drug commericals:
"This is your front door."
"This is your front door on FIRE."
"Any questions?"

I mean maybe I'm just persnickety about my fire being a warlock and all, but that picture does not scream RAGING INFERNO in my eyes.  It's more like one of those cheesy fake fireplaces with the wavering orange light behind it and a semi-translucent screen colored to look like a fire.  I can just imagine someone coming over to my apartment:
"Hello, welcome to my den, please pull up a chair."
"Oh why thank you, kind sir.  It's amazing that you have a den in your apartment but... ZOMG what a big virtual fire you have."
"Thank you, you're too kind.  I modified my 76 inch flat screen to only show fake flames all the time.  I find it rather soothing."

If I'm going after an image of a bomb-proof, fire resistant door, I want the "holy shit" package.  I don't want porch door on widescreen.  I want Michael Bay to come over and orchestrate some shit with Samuel L. Jackson yelling in the foreground and a stunt man on fire running across my living room before smacking head first in to the back door of an armored car.  I want a scud missile streaking at one of those huge bank vault doors with the spinny, spoked wheel on the front and a tiny window that looks like it would more at home in a deep dive decompression chamber.  None of this pretty white entryway on orange with high curb appeal bullshit.  This is a BOMB SHELTER not a cozy sitting room!  There are no doilies in a bomb shelter!

Still, it's rather tough to Google "Michael Bay presents Samuel L Jackson yelling at a raging inferno caused by scud missile striking bank vault with decompression window."  You really don't come up with much.  In fact, go ahead, try it.  I'll wait.

*taps foot*

You get exactly 4 results and none of them look very fiery.  Not fiery at all.  Nope.

So, yeah it's probably better that I leave the image finding to my wife and stop complaining about the results.   After all, it's not as if I could do better and when you get right down to it... it has a door, it has some fire, it sort of goes with what she's saying.  The fact that I just looked at it and said: "WTF is this?" is irrelevant because I'm apparently an elitist jerk when it comes to blog images.  And that's just not nearly as fun as musing about where the hell this porch door came from, now is it?

This rant brought to you by Warlocks for Green Fire.  We now return to our normally scheduled posting, already in progress.


  1. My god, this made me laugh. I haven't had a great laugh in a while. Thank you. :)

  2. Ty... can't let it get too dull around here. :-)