Friday, February 12, 2010

Better To Ask Your Sister

Fulguralis stood with his back to the wall, calmly surveying the pandemonium in front of him.  His minions were all arguing loudly with one another, fighting to be heard not only over each other, but also over the general din of the Dalaran business district.  It was nearly Valentines day and the menfolk were out in force to try and squeeze in some last minute shopping.  All the women, of course, had apparently gotten their shopping done weeks ago, in secret.  His wife had shot him a barely concealed accusatory glare before he left that morning saying she was sure she would love her gift.  Fulguralis hoped his panic had not shown.

"Taking the minions for a walk!" he had yelled lamely, slamming the door behind him and finding the nearest port to Dalaran.  Now he stood with his back to a wall, both figuratively and literally, and he had no clue what to get her. 

"ENOUGH!" He yelled, holding up his hands and silencing his minions.  "One at a time.  Spaz, you first," the Warlock pointed.

"IthinkyoushouldgethertonsandtonsantonsofCANDY! I-mean-really-what-girl-doesn't-like-candy? I-love-candy! She'll-love-candy! Get-her-candy!" The Imp suggested mildly.

"Okay, thanks.  I'd ask you to wait while everyone else has a turn, but I know that's not going to happen, so shift your phase so we don't have to hear you."

"But-I-don-wanna-" he was cut off as his form suddenly got a bit translucent.  His mouth still moved, but his voice was lost in the parallel realm where he now half existed.  The little guy may argue, but he could not ignore his master's wishes.

"Double B. Go," Fulguralis said.

"Welllll.  If you want the advice of this loooove walker, you should buy her a staaar.  Then you can be like: Baby, look, you a star.  She'll be butter in your arms after that.  Ain't no girl can resist such a heavenly gift." Berry Blue leaned back with a satisfied look on his face.

"Hmm, not bad but tough to get.  The Mages are pretty protective about their constellations.  What do you have for me Nighty?"

"A Big Love Rocket," the Succubus said with a mischievous grin.

"Seriously?" Fulguralis asked.

"Mmmhmmm," she purred.

"No, just no.  Do you even know what that is?" the Warlock ask, arms spread wide.

Well, I've heard it has to do with mounting.  You see, when a man-" she began excitedly.

"Not even going there," Fulguralis cut her off.  She stuck out her tongue.

"It has Zhevra seats," she pouted.

"You guys are all worthless," Fulguralis said, throwing up his arms and stalking away.  His minions began to follow, but one sharp look from the Warlock froze them in place.  He stalked quickly into the nearest store, shaking his head.

His eyes swept the room and he found a vendor.  Striding up to the man he attempted to ask for advice, but a sharp pull on his robe diverted him.  Looking down, he found Sparkie, his Felhunter, wagging his tail excitedly with a bracelet in his jaws.  Fulguralis held out his hand and the pup deposited the jewelry.  It appeared to be a charm of some sort.

"How much for this?" Fulguralis asked, holding the charm in front of the vendor's face.

The vendor stared back at him blankly.

"Hello?  Customer here!" Fulguralis waved. 

The man stared straight ahead, not seeming to notice him. 

"HOOOOOW MUUUUCH FOOOR THIS?" Fulguralis yelled. 

The vendor blinked, slowly.  And by slowly, I mean, f-in slowly.  Fulguralis looked around and noticed that something was wrong.  Everyone moved in slow, jerky motions and sounds seemed as if coming from a great distance.  Even his own movements felt as if slicing through air turned into a thick, gelatinous ooze. 

As he was scanning the room, he noticed that just about everyone in the shop was holding the same charm he had.  In fact, one man was exiting the front door, jerky step by jerky step, with a whole bag of the buggers.  Even as he watched, the man seemed to take one step backward for every two steps forward.  It was an epic battle just to exit the door.  Fighting the ooze, Fulguralis return his own attention to the charm in his hand.  He didn't want to get his wife the same thing all the other men were getting their wives. 

Abruptly, time seemed to speed back up.  There was a small moment when everyone in the room looked a bit disoriented, patting robes and shuffling feet as if to ascertain that they were where they thought they were.  Then business resumed as usual.

"What the fel was that?" Fulguralis said.

"I'm sorry, sir, how can I help you?" the vendor said in an annoyingly perky voice.

"Oh, now you speak," the Warlock grunted, flinging the charm at the man's face.  It seemed to freeze in the air for a moment before seeming to disappear.  Fulguralis was surprised to find the charm back in his hand as if he'd never thrown it.  "What the..." he said, shaking his head.  "This store is slowed.  Damn Mages!"  How could they slow a whole store?

He ignored the bafflement written plainly on the vendor's face as he turned to leave the store, tossing the charm on the counter unceremoniously.  He had to get out of there.  Outside, his minions waited expectantly where he left them.  At the sight of them, Fulguralis rubbed his temples.

"Headache, Boy?" a familiar, tinny voice asked.  The Warlock looked up to find his Death Knight sister in a rather revealing gown.  A heart shape seemed to be cut out of the bosom.  He raised an eyebrow.  She shrugged, "It was a gift."

"From who?" he said icily.

She just grinned back.  "You should be more concerned about what you're going to get that wife of yours.  Leave the ice to me." 

Fulguralis just sighed.

"Oh, don't worry, Boy.  I've got your back.  C'mon," Decedereful said, taking his arm.  "This is what sisters are for, right?"


  1. Nice.

    Fuu says I can't use words with more than 5 letters, but I told her it doesn't count if I make them up. I believe I would call this story... lagalicious ;)