Cast of Characters
Fulguralis, the warlock in love and our main character
Spaz, an Imp with a quick wit and a sharp tongue
Midnight, a succubus with an insatiable lust for pain
Berry Blue, the smooth talking, jazz loving walker of the void
Sparkie, a cute and lovable felhunter
DeeGee, a doomgaurd with a peculiar affinity for tiny underwear
Pablo, the fiery latino infernal
ACT I, SCENE I
(We see before us a jewelry store in the very heart of Dalaran. Fine wares line the storeroom displays, sparkling in the light. Fulguralis walks into the jewelry store and begins to browse through the items with his trusty Felpup, Sparkie plodding along quietly next to him, gazing at all the shining objects under the glass.)
Well boy, I never thought I'd be here doing this. I mean, she already stole my heart, and now she wants my soul in a shard.
(Sparkie just gazes at his master lovingly.)
Oh, don't give me that look. I know what I'm doing. Besides, she's never been anything but nice to you. Ugh... nice... Paladin... light...
(Sparkie begins to wag his tail at hearing the world Paladin, then wanders off amongst the displays while Fulguralis continues to scrutinize the contents in front of him in clear agony of the decision.)
(Spaz sprints on stage.)
Hey-there-master-sir-man-thing. Whatareyoudoing? CanIhelp?
(Spaz knocks into a display, making it totter precariously.)
(Fulguralis reaches out to steady the display, and then sighs.)
I’m trying to pick out a ring Spaz. Think you can manage to do that without destroying anything?
(Spaz takes off like a bullet, running around the room and nearly breaking everything he whizzes by before returning with a shiny object in his hand that he’s somehow removed from the display case.)
(Spaz holds out his hand which contains a ring called “Gatekeeper”. Fulguralis takes it.)
Getit?! She’s-the-gatekeeper-and-you’re-the-keymaster! HeehahaHEE! Okay-all-done-gotta-jet!
(Spaz exits the store in a blur of Impish delight. Fulguralis looks at the ring, sighs, and then sets it down on the counter in front of him.)
(Midnight enters the store, walking seductively across the room towards Fulguralis with her whip in-hand. She steps up next to the Warlock and smacks herself loudly on the behind to get his attention.)
Hiya, suga. Heard you were fixin’ to buy a ring. Are you getting’ all domestic on me? That’s not very naughty…
(She loses her train of thought as she notices all the shiny, expensive jewelry around her in the store and her eyes light up. With noticeable effort, she restrains herself from swiping all of the rings up and disappearing into the night.)
Spaz told you already? That little imp is a pain in my…
Mmmmm. How about this one? This is what I would get if I were getting’ in touch with my more… tame… side.
(Midnight holds out a ring labeled “Furious Gladiator's Band of Dominance”.)
Take it or leave it suga. I gotta get outta here before my better sensibilities are spoiled by these talks of domesticity. Oh, listen to me use dem big words. A lady of the night ought not to be so… proper.
(She smacks herself again on the behind.)
Mmmm. That’s better. Toodles!
(Midnight exits the store, shaking her hips seductively as she leaves. Fulguralis looks at the ring, sighs, and then sets it down on the counter next to the first one.)
(Berry Blue enters the store in a puff of blue smoke and glides across the room towards Fulguralis. Strangely, the overhead music in the store seems to have switched to smooth jazz.)
Heeeey there cool cat. I heard you was lookin’ for a ring of looooove.
That damned Imp!
Precisely… now let me see.
(The big blue voidwalker glides around the room as if waiting for the magnetic pull of one of the wares. Apparently feeling it, he finally stops, gingerly withdraws a ring and returns it to Fulguralis. It is labeled “Ring of the Fated”.)
You two are like Romeo and Juliet. Not the opera version, mind you, ‘cuz we killed them, but the ones from the old play of loooove. You’d be wise to get her this ring.
(A mournful horn sounds from somewhere off stage.)
Well, loooove calls. I’ll catch you on the flip side.
(Berry Blue exits the store in another puff of blue smoke and the music resumes its elevator-like quality. Fulguralis gazes at the ring, sighs, and then sets it down on the counter next to the first two.)
(DeeGee enters the store and struts over to Fulguralis.)
What’s up, bro? Check out my banana hammock.
(It seems as though DeeGee is thrusting a bit as he stands next to the warlock.)
You find a ring yet?
Does he have to tell everyone?
(The doomguard looks down at the case next to him, and picks seemingly the first ring he sees. He casually flips it to Fulguralis who catches it and reads the label “The Leviathan's Coil”.)
Check it out, bro. Fits right? High five!
(DeeGee looks around worriedly for a moment.)
Dude, have you seen my beach ball? It’s, like, this big around.
(He flexes. Fulguralis shakes his head and averts his eyes.)
That sucks. Catch ya later, bro.
(DeeGee leaves the store, flexing the whole way out. Fulguralis glances at the ring in his hand before shuddering and setting it down next to the others on the counter.)
(Pablo the Infernal enters the store at a run, crackling from the fire that constantly consumes his rock-like body. He walks over to Fulguralis, who only slightly shies away from the heat rolling in waves off of Pablo. Pablo wipes his brow dramatically.)
Sheesh, is it just me or is it hot hot hot in here?
(Fulguralis rolls his eyes at the awful pun.)
Rough crowd, huh? Anyways, I, ah, heard you was lookin’ for a ring, man.
(Shakes one first at the sky.)
Curse that imp!
Man, you’re loco. I ain’t stayin too long though. It’s always so hot out, I just want to go find me some shade, ya know?
(Pablo looks around quickly at the rings. He picks one up and tosses it to Fulguralis, who bobbles it around like a hot potato before reading the label “Fire Orchid Signet”.)
Here, take this one for your chica, man. She’ll love it, I promise. Women love to be told how hot they are, ya know?
(Pablo wipes his brow dramatically again.)
Man, I gotta go or I’m going to melt or something. Hasta!
(Pablo leaves the store quickly, leaving trails of smoke behind him. Fulguralis glances at the ring smoldering on the table next to the others and sighs.)
I’m never going to be able to find the right ring! Warlocks are completely ill-suited to things like this. Who’s idea was this stupid custom anyways? Why can’t I just like, make a big bonfire for her or give her a pile of souls trapped in shards?
(Sparkie comes over and nuzzles against his master, who pats him on the head. The dog then whines and looks up at Fulguralis with something in his jaws.)
What’s that boy? Timmy’s in the well? Well that’s probably because I cast a spell of fear on him and he ran headlong into the well with no thought for his personal safety. Kids nowadays, am I right? You can hardly blame that on me. Oh, that’s not it? What’s that you have there?
(Fulguralis takes the ring from Sparkie’s mouth, wipes the slobber off of it and reads “Golden Engagement Ring”. Fulguralis looks down at his pet and smiles.)
That’ll do, boy, that’ll do.